First post of 2014, and i'd like to start with an elaboration and thoughts on my last post from last year haha. (Just to clarify, i've been working on this post for about a week or more, so that explains why it's dated 4 Jan, i actually posted this on 12 Jan)
I wanna apologise for all the typos and whatever english errors i made in the previous post, i was drained physically but not mentally and had no time reading through it. I corrected the mistakes and there may be some which i overlooked and if i didnt notice the rest, pardon me, im not strong language wise.
Anyw, let me thank Cheryl for all those pressies from Japan hehe ;) The mao mao is so cute i can't handle, and it's together with the Hello Kitty hehe. And omg the cookie monster socks are damn cute too, i can't bear to use both the products :/
Here's a piece of advice to everyone: Hear no evil, see no evil, do no evil, say no evil.
Before i start, let me warn you again that it's a long post, longer than before and if you dont wanna read all my shit, you're most welcome to close this page.
Think about all the shit that happened, whether it's worth the time thinking about how they feel about you and all. Put the past behind and don't hang onto it, it will only kill you, inside out. Like i always like to say, FUCK THEM, HECK THEM. Ignore them.
All those people bothering you, they are all not worth it. When i was down and really sad and was going through a hard time, someone told me that "You shouldn't worry about that. If that friend of yours really treasures you, she will come back. Since she left, it's not worth fighting for that friendship anymore." Honestly, maybe things really do happen for a reason.
I learnt to pick myself up when i fell, when i was in my lowest moments, when i was left all alone, when i was all fucked up, i learnt who the people who would continue staying by my side are. I learnt who really are my friends. True friends won't hurt you, they are like your second boyfriend (i'm a girl so boyfriend HAHAHA), they learn to accept your shortcomings, they appreciate you, they love you for who you are and what's most special about them is that they are able to withstand your bad temper. My temper is really really bad and yeah, great to have people who still stayed by my side and encouraged me.
[My parents have never been the encouraging type and even if they had ever thought that they have done their part by 'caring' for me, nope i honestly don't feel like i have ever received proper care and concern from them. They have always discouraged me, telling me that my job is to study. But when i do well, they never seem to bother, in fact, they never said anything to me. When i do badly, they scold me for sleeping late, not working hard, not doing well etc. They have so many excuses to scold me for one mistake i make (like ordering food wrongly when they were the ones who told me wrongly). When i make a mistake, they use the past mistakes over and over again, like i don't even know how they link.
My parents are not educated, they take things lightly, thinking they can depend on my results to feed them till they die. But honestly, i dont have any idea what i wanna do, who i wanna be, what i wanna major in, im studying for the sake of it. Since my parents belong more on the traditional side, thinking their logic makes sense but there's no science to it, and they think im "trying to be dumb" when i dont listen to them and explain the right things. Oh well, i guess i should just let them say whatever they want, because whatever i say, i will always be wrong and whenever i speak, i get scolded, whenever i speak up for myself to defend myself, they say im being rude.
They think that i am able to cope with things, to get things done and all. But what really happens is that i have no one to lean on at home, in school, anywhere. I am still trying to survive in this screwed up world, where i officially have no one else to depend on, to talk to. Although to many others it may seem like my parents care and all, i constantly feel otherwise. When i was 13, they forgot my 13th birthday, for a girl as young as 13, would you be able to accept that fact?? So i decided that maybe my parents were really busy and i shouldn't get angry since im not important after all.
Like i said, i've never been able to defend for myself properly at home and i have no one to lean on, yeah, so i hardly confide in my parents. But when i do, i confide in my close friends. And that's when the shit comes in, because i lack family support, i trust others easily, too easily that i trust people that i shouldn't and get laughed at at my back instead.
Sometimes, i feel like a total tool, a tool that helps my parents gain their pride back. Because my brother is not as good in his studies, my parents 'use' me to tell others that 'oh my daughter has how nany As how many As', 'oh my daughter ranks whatever rank in class', 'oh my daughter got into some competition or whatever', and they 'use' me to compete with others. And those are the only times when i actually hear good stuff about myself. So this question always come to my mind: So im just an instrument for them to show off?? So im not anything else or anything important? They compare with others, stressing to my relatives that 'hey my daughter takes amath, she's the only one in the family taking it, so dont compare with her'..... like wtf?? They keep putting pressure on me without even realising that. Because of what they always say, i have to live up to their expectations, they think that studying these days are easy as fuck, but no it isnt, not at all. And my brother, he doesnt seem to be affected by anything.
Im always supposed to 'watch my language' because i use words like 'shit', 'what the hell' and so on. But wtf? In this era, who doesnt?? But when my BROTHER says them all, nope, nothing is said. Or they will even go 'look, your brother has learnt all this language from you' but they dont seem to realise the fact that they are the ones swearing 25/8 and they affected both of us. They think i learn all that in school, from my friends, but what they dont realise is that i say all that, because i 'learnt' from them. They blame everything on me, literally. ]
But what am i supposed to do? This is my life, so suck it up. Think about your life, it may be better, it may be good. If your life is better, learn to appreciate things, appreciate everything you have and especially those around you. If your is worse, i have to say, try to overcome the odds, i know it's not easy, it definitely wont be. Life isn't easy, if it's easy, there's nothing to learn from it. And endure the pain, pick yourself up, good luck and stay strong.
If you were thinking that i've never tried, it's not that i haven't, i have tried, over and over again to learnt i be a good sister, to try to be nice, to ignore the jealousy, to love my brother like how any other older sibling would. But i was always given a reason not to. And that is: he never appreciates, he takes things for granted and shouts at me the next moment after i get food for him. It's not a once or twice thing that i buy him food, at least half of year annually i would be the one getting food for everyone. And when i cook, he doesnt even show gratitude. Im still trying to be a good sister, until the time he starts to mature (he's 13+ now and still not able to think maturely), i guess i'll have to tolerate and continue to give in.
Everything aside, i will still try to continue being a good sister. I believe that one day, just one day, the brother at home will grow up and become much more mature and that life would be much easier then.
Although it might seem like i just wrote the worst part of my life, that's not the worst, i wrote that because i get reminded of it everyday and i felt like i should just rant to vent a little frustration. The worse things, i cant remember them and im in the process of trying not to recollect anything. Because at the time being, im looking at what's ahead of me, not what's behind.
Nothing in life is ever easy. But dont give up, giving up will mean that you have failed. failing would mean that you have just lost everything you started with. Think about it, give everything deep thoughts. Learn to laugh, laugh all day long. Laughing will not cure things, but it hides your sadness and all other emotions and people will not have to worry over you. Laughing will give others an impression that you're bubbly, cheerful, etc. I have been choosing that option, but my mood changes fast, so does my expressions. I can be laughing away 5 seconds ago but angry as hell now. But as long as i know im in the right state of mind and am controlling myself, i guess that's okay, although it seems like others think im crazy, but i dont really care, this society is so damn judgemental i dont even have a second to waste my time bothering about those people. They make no difference in my life and i shouldnt get affected.
So in my previous post (also my last post of 2013 hahaha), i stated that i would blog on 'loving yourself'. So there may be some of you who are thinking that 'woah she's so egoistic, i dont even dare to bring myself to love myself', 'why is everyone saying this, it doesn't even work for me', 'why does this blogger have so much self-esteem or self-confidence??'. Let me share some views.
Obviously, 'loving yourself' is not easy, and it's not too difficult as well. Okay, here i go. At some point in life, you will be facing a lot negativity, you will reach the lowest point in life where you are at a loss and there is COMPLETELY no one by your side to help you and go through those times with you. It may be because you failed something you were always good at, you got rejected, you constantly get bullied by others, and so on.
What i'd like to share is that i too, have been through times like that, yes i'm young but that doesn't mean teenagers don't feel shit. I believe that experience is very important in life, they change our perception of things and hence make us who we are. Yes i might not have as much experience in life as adults, or the elderly. But bear with me and hear me out. There were times when i felt like my parents are probably treating me like that or whatever because i haven't been a good daughter. There were times when i felt like i am the worst person on earth and doesn't deserve anything at all. There were times when i thought my CCA (it's like activities you take part in when school ends, things like sports, performing arts, uniform groups etc, and it's compulsory in schools in Singapore) mates probably dislike me and all because i don't make a good Chairperson (not that i'm boasting about it but these are heartfelt words). Worst of all, there were times and there still are times when i feel like i'm the worst friend to have on Earth, that i'm never able to help my friends and go through their toughest time with them and be strong for them. I'm sure there are times all of you out there feel like that, it may not have to be all that i stated but you have felt at least like that in one of the above scenarios. I built a wall, a solid one, so hard that nowadays i break other people's heart and hurt them instead of letting them do so, even when people have done nothing wrong, i do the same, because i'm afraid, afraid that i would get hurt and go through all that painful process all over again.
Why am i telling you all these? It's because to go through all these is part of life. Don't ever distance yourself from others because of your low self-esteem, the self-esteem which never seemed to surface. Whether you like it or not, it's a part of life and how you decide to go through or 'conquer' these makes you who you are next. Be strong enough to go through these times, whether you are alone or with your loved ones. Don't give up and let your whole world come crashing down on you. Yes, it's definitely not easy, i have never said it was. I went through all that, when i was alone, when i was thrown to a corner by everyone, when everyone turned their backs on me. And i'm only glad that i've gone through that and become stronger because all of that was what made me who i am today.
Whatever it is, keep going on and no matter how hard life is for you, know that one day it will all be over.
There was a period of time, a long one, when i was so negative about life, the only solution i always thought of was death. Many of us think that dying will solve all the problems and that everything will really be over. But let me tell you, it will not be over, everything will just get worse when you die. I can't assure that in any form of explanation but, death is not a solution to everything (yes, i know that everyone says that).
Seeking death only makes your life much more difficult to handle and makes you yourself much more miserable. Personally, the number of thoughts to end my life was uncountable and i was never able to control my feelings and emotions well on the inside.
I'm still trying to fight with all these negativity and honestly, that's not an easy task as those thoughts led me to being a sadist (im not much one but sick enough to be one, a minor one maybe?) and i always think that we can die easily. I've always thought that one jump and everything would be over, but i realised the fact that to do that, i have to be courageous, to have enough courage to just leave everything behind without saying anything to anyone. Nope, i'm unable to do that. Because of all these countless sucidal thoughts, i developed slight depression, tearing without any reason and all. And that's not all, there's more to it than you could ever think of.
Now, many of you think that you are down with 'depression'. Please do look up the dictionary for its definition. Symptoms of depression, according to some of my research, include things like crying without any legit reason, feeling super super super sad all of a sudden, having many sucidal thoughts. Some of you out there are hurting yourself, trying to commit suicide, and please, DON'T HURT THE BEAUTIFUL BODY THAT GOD GAVE YOU. God gave you a body, not for you to abuse/mistreat, but for you to embrace and take good care of. Hurting yourself is a sin, and there are always punishments for sins, so stop it. Also, there are some of you who like to go around saying 'i'm so sad, so fucking depressed. Fuck the world, fuck everyone' H E L L O?? Will you please wake up and stop being childish and acting like you're all pampered? Yes i may sound biased, but seriously? You are definitely NOT depressed if you're sad. Being SAD and DEPRESSED are two different things.
Also, MANY of us think that we are 'fat'. Yes, i'm included. I know that all of you reading this, everyone of you out there are well aware that we are in fact, healthy, fit, or even underweight. But what is it that causes us to say things like that and hurt those that are really 'fat'? Well, there are some of you who are really really THIN and you go like 'omg im so fat', you really look like skin and bones, please stop that. And then there's majority of us who are average but because of those excess and accumulated fats that we don't wanna associate with, we call ourselves 'fat'. Everyone has their own definition of being 'fat'. If things get worse, you are bound to suffer from eating disorder because you think you are 'fat'. I must admit i am average but really, those fats can't keep me thinking that i am, if i had a more proportionate body, yes, maybe i would be proud of my body and go out saying, 'i'm average'. But no, not now, yes i know many people have been telling me 'you look okay, you're okay', yes i know, but if only i had a better body. CNY is coming and i'm reay scared to go visit my relatives sigh. But i'm working on it and hopefully all of you will stay motivated and work out for better bodies too.
Two weeks ago, my form and co-form teachers (a.k.a homeroom teachers) decided that we should write down our new year resolutions for short term (this entire year) and long term (the next three years) and also our target for 'O' level results, what we wanna do in future, what we wanna study, which institute or school we wanna go to.
I was about to write what i wrote on that piece of paper but i got lazy haha. As usual. Okay with Team B's mental strength they sent to their fans, i end this post.
School's been really hectic. And tomorrow's the start of the 3rd week, technically it's the 2nd. Anyw, ever since school lessons started, i haven't been able to understand, not to say absorb whatever was taught, it's like my doomsday is nearing. And there has been a change of instructors in my CCA and their expectations are sky high. I'm really stressed up at the moment and finally found time to blog (i accumulated everything that i wanted to say over the course of 1-2 weeks). My instructor gave us homework(??) And idk?? Not that i'm complaining, it's definitely good, but i honestly feel like a heavy weight has just been thrown on me. I left a bad impression on all the instructors and definitely mine. It's only the first 2 weeks and school and the third week is starting tmr, and i already feel like i've been thrown in a hell hole.
I've been attacked by pimple breakouts (SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME ADVICE) and omfg im really scared. Adults always say that people with freckles wont get pimples. BUT WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME. And from what i see, contrary to that belief, some people i know, people around me actually do have a fair amount of freckles and pimples, my close friend, a few of my classmates, my aunt and a few more.
Last friday, SIMYEE CAME BACK TO KC FOR A VISIT HEHE. But it was all so sudden we didnt have the time to take photos :(
I'm going to share a photo of a bowl of 'Red Ruby' my family (each of us) had at Serangoon Gardens' market. It looked really good but it was so bland i stopped after a few mouthfuls. But the picture was great so im gonna share it anyw. I'm blogging through my phone so all the photos are at the bottom and i'll adjust them when i use my laptop some other day.
Yes i'm aware it's a really long post. This is like the first time im writing a post this way, i dont even know.
Love,
Rachel
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