Come back stronger

Certainly gonna have to start with my favourite and definitely one of the most beautiful quotes in the world. 

"Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want." 

I've had this posted some where in one of my previous posts but really, i can't emphasize this further. 

This journey in life, the path you're on is different. It's different from everyone else's and every single living being on earth is going through different things at the same time. 

Many times we tell one another, "hey yes, i understand what you're going through, i've been there" but i guess it's more of "i can empathise with you though i haven't exactly been in your shoes" and that, is more than enough. Every experience you're going through, every nonsense you're facing, it's bound to bring you some where in life. It all happened for you to (hopefully one day) realise that actually, what you've been through is absolutely nothing as compared to what you're going through right now. 

We ALL take things or sometimes, even people for granted at one point of time or another. However, bear in mind that you ought to be content with whatever you have now because you're blessed, really blessed to have been here. 

I worked at the F1 event in SG for three whole days and on the second night, i did something subconsciously, on accident and it had involved a customer, which till this day makes me feel guilty. To someone like me, it was a hell of a problem because i cannot stand not being able to be on form and in my best service. To others, it may be a small matter. 

I spilled a few glasses of champagne onto a customer's bag. Okay, so i was really tired and there was a tray of two or three champagnes on my hand and there, they were fighting over who should get the drink first. I stood there as lost as anyone could ever get and as i reached for one of the glasses, shit happened. Her bag was wet and it was some expensive leather. :') The kind husband and wife though, repeatedly insisted that they're good and it was all good and there was nothing to worry about but guilt really engulfed me. 

They had to take down a report and as my supervisor spoke to me, i realised i was crying my heart out. I've got no idea why i did, but all i did was bawl my eyes out my eyeballs could have dropped. 

She then told me this: 

The world is a very cruel place. Why condemn yourself when everything else is already condemning you? Mistakes are bound to happen and sometimes, all you can do is count yourself lucky for not getting into an unlucky situation while watching others fall. 

The next day, my suite in charge told me that it was a new day and i didn't have to be afraid to face the husband and wife and i have to forget all about it. She told me that shit happens and we just have to suck it up. Let's be real here, i guess this is how life works and i can't lie?? Some people really DO turn their backs on you, but hang in there because you're all strong. 

Learn from the mistakes, learn from the experience. Then learn how to better yourself and grow stronger from there. You are only this age once in your entire lifetime so don't waste it, and live life fully. Life is short. And i know for sure, i wouldn't wanna deal with monsters and useless conversations. 

A few weeks ago, i had quite a few major situations to handle in my life and also deal with my unstable emotions and all that i knew was i'm strong, but i've been strong for too long. I held so many things up in myself they eventually took over and crashed me. 

Penning down late night thoughts again and i can't sleep, there's school in a few hours sigh. 

xoxo, 

Rach 

Stay real

Someone once asked me, what i would have done if i were given just $100,000 and to be very honest, i really have no idea. I mean, having receive an amount like this over nothing would definitely feel good, right? I can't help feel extremely lost at this. 

I was taken aback, but after giving it much thought, i still can't come to an agreement with myself. Asked twice, and twice i answered i would split them into quarts and gave them to my parents and brother then myself. What would i do then? With the remaining $25K i have. "I'm gonna do whatever i want to, splurge, travel, eat and just, whatever". 

Really? Rachel really?? If this $25K was to be translated into five years worth of life, and i would have just five years left, what would i REALLY do?

Five years from now, seems legit, seems like a long time. Is it really? Five years is pretty short, when i have my to finish my education and when i finally graduate from University (that's if i can actually make the cut HAHA), almost five years would be up. Now that's fast. 

Eighteen years into my life and i've always told myself that i should really do whatever i want, lead my life however i want because life is too short and i wouldn't have time for regrets, AT ALL. Looking back, yes i've done so, but more than half the time, i spend reminiscing, feeling regretful over certain things, overthinking many things, wasting time, not studying and working hard enough, not getting enough sleep, irregular meals and the list might as well go on for the next 10 hours. 

Do what you do best, even if it means you have to step out of your comfort zone because it's really not easy for one to just be comfortable in your own skin overnight. Trust me, be yourself, be who you truly are, do things the way you want (i don't mean drilling your opinions into others because sometimes we make wrong decisions too), ALWAYS LISTEN to what others have to say, improve on yourself, and most importantly, be happy and learn to accept and love yourself. 

If you were to have five years to get your shit together and learn to be yourself, even if you have just one day to be your whole self, you won't regret. So, ask yourself, what you really wanna do with your life and think about how you wanna live it. Be brave. 

Getting back on track

Been so long since the last time I actually came here and made my blog more alive LOL. It's been about 10 months?? Wow, time really flies. This post might be yet another nag haha.

For starters, I just wanna say that I’m really thankful for those who cared, genuinely, and those who bothered because handling me has never been easy, I'm a troublesome child. 

Many, many things have happened and I had to go through both physical exhaustion and mental breakdowns, mixed and heavy emotions ran through me but I'm just here to pen down my thoughts. 

Have you ever felt like crying your eyes out, screaming your lungs out, and you start grabbing your chest in the middle of the night watching movies like Love, Rosie and feeling the heart ache?

Because I have, and that is probably not the best feelings in the world. You have overused your emotions so much so that you start to be so numb. Numb to the point where tears don’t even drop when you want them to. Numb towards everyone, and slowly, everything. It's so tiring and all you can do is waste your life away for a week and I mean, literally. 

I still can't figure out what came over me recently but all I can point out is the fact that I gave up on myself and it was for the first time, I ever could not be bothered about physically attending school at all. Whatever happened to the ‘me’ I once knew and once understood fully about?

I used to panic and rush to school, even if I were to just attend for a mere 30-minute lesson because I was late af, but I didn't even bother. All I ever remember doing these days was head right back to sleep, even if i woke up early. Or even, earlier than usual. I'd try to sleep, try to sleep everything away, attempt running away from my responsibilities and, to what I realised weeks later, my own life. 

For the first time in my entire existence, I haven’t been able to recognise faces for a month or two. Recognising people has always been a knack. Just more than a month ago I met a friend I was close to, and still is. What was different was I found her utterly familiar, yet I took two whole minutes of staring and frustrations trying to figure out who she was, and it only hit me after I said Hi, and I really don’t know why or how that even happened. I swear I almost bawled my eyes out after that whole overwhelming situation, my heart was at a loss.

Still, I’d wake up to the same shit every day, same life, same place, same me, same torture. I understand that this is just a small part of my entire life and just a part and parcel of life but sometimes, things happen, right? They feel so surreal I can’t ever seem to piece everything correctly but all I know is, what I’m doing to myself, is not worth it, it’s not… doing myself justice.  

Picking myself up and trying to get back on track ain't no easy feat, but trust me, time will heal, although slowly. Go on and keep trying because you'll realise every little effort does count. It’s never going to be easy, it’s okay to feel useless and hopeless, but hang in there.

To my precious and wonderful friends out there, no matter what you’re going through, remember that you are NEVER alone. What I’ve gone through may not have been the greatest ordeal yet far, but I just want to say that I’m slowly picking myself up… and I hope you guys do, too. Life wasn’t made to be easy. It’s an experience we all have to go through. Go, make the best out of it. 

All the best with life,

xoxo ♡