Getting back on track

Been so long since the last time I actually came here and made my blog more alive LOL. It's been about 10 months?? Wow, time really flies. This post might be yet another nag haha.

For starters, I just wanna say that I’m really thankful for those who cared, genuinely, and those who bothered because handling me has never been easy, I'm a troublesome child. 

Many, many things have happened and I had to go through both physical exhaustion and mental breakdowns, mixed and heavy emotions ran through me but I'm just here to pen down my thoughts. 

Have you ever felt like crying your eyes out, screaming your lungs out, and you start grabbing your chest in the middle of the night watching movies like Love, Rosie and feeling the heart ache?

Because I have, and that is probably not the best feelings in the world. You have overused your emotions so much so that you start to be so numb. Numb to the point where tears don’t even drop when you want them to. Numb towards everyone, and slowly, everything. It's so tiring and all you can do is waste your life away for a week and I mean, literally. 

I still can't figure out what came over me recently but all I can point out is the fact that I gave up on myself and it was for the first time, I ever could not be bothered about physically attending school at all. Whatever happened to the ‘me’ I once knew and once understood fully about?

I used to panic and rush to school, even if I were to just attend for a mere 30-minute lesson because I was late af, but I didn't even bother. All I ever remember doing these days was head right back to sleep, even if i woke up early. Or even, earlier than usual. I'd try to sleep, try to sleep everything away, attempt running away from my responsibilities and, to what I realised weeks later, my own life. 

For the first time in my entire existence, I haven’t been able to recognise faces for a month or two. Recognising people has always been a knack. Just more than a month ago I met a friend I was close to, and still is. What was different was I found her utterly familiar, yet I took two whole minutes of staring and frustrations trying to figure out who she was, and it only hit me after I said Hi, and I really don’t know why or how that even happened. I swear I almost bawled my eyes out after that whole overwhelming situation, my heart was at a loss.

Still, I’d wake up to the same shit every day, same life, same place, same me, same torture. I understand that this is just a small part of my entire life and just a part and parcel of life but sometimes, things happen, right? They feel so surreal I can’t ever seem to piece everything correctly but all I know is, what I’m doing to myself, is not worth it, it’s not… doing myself justice.  

Picking myself up and trying to get back on track ain't no easy feat, but trust me, time will heal, although slowly. Go on and keep trying because you'll realise every little effort does count. It’s never going to be easy, it’s okay to feel useless and hopeless, but hang in there.

To my precious and wonderful friends out there, no matter what you’re going through, remember that you are NEVER alone. What I’ve gone through may not have been the greatest ordeal yet far, but I just want to say that I’m slowly picking myself up… and I hope you guys do, too. Life wasn’t made to be easy. It’s an experience we all have to go through. Go, make the best out of it. 

All the best with life,

xoxo ♡