Soar

"Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want." 

[I actually drafted this sometime in April 2014, while we were on the way to MBS for our Geographical Investigation. I can never forget how we actually spent 2/3 of the time chilling in MBS instead XD] 

So about a week ago (a week before our GI last year haha), Ms yap shared with us an extremely inspirational clip that got me to reflect about my life and what I've been doing. I'm happy to say that I've always tried things that came along in my way, tried to go through hard times and cope with the many obstacles in my life.

You may be thinking what in the world would a 16-year-old have to go through? Truth is, i'm well aware that i'm not alone and there are definitely others who are going through a much harder time than me. Let's just cut to the chase, yes, like i said, last year's been bad and this year's (2k14, i cant stop emphasising how i created this post last year fml) starting off well and i'm enjoying it. But the time that we've got to spend is really very short, we have about 5-6 months left and we're all going to graduate and go our separate ways. 

That leads me to my next point. Stress is starting to seep into us and bleed us dry. Our mother tongue papers are in 2 months' time but it seems like i dont even bother anymore. Then our other papers are in about 6 months' time. It's gonna be really difficult to cope and i already feel like im drowning in the midst of everything. 

Our class definitely went through a lot and is the class that always get scolded and negative remarks from the various teachers we have. 

Something awful happened about 2 weeks ago and i shouldnt post what happened online. But yes, our class seem to have been trying to change and make amendments to our own actions and responsibilities. That incident caused many teachers to approach us. That led to Ms Yap, our Math teacher, who wasn't in any way related to us except through math (of which my classmates refer to as the alien world), approach us and tell us that we should all wake up from our dreams and start appreciating the time with one another. 

Although, she's just our math teacher, our class respects her a lot and i guess it all comes down to fate. 

In any case, Ms Yap has tried, in her own ways, to tell us that life is really really short but while embarking on this rough journey, it feels so long. 

Like i said, i have always been keen to try and experience new things that come along the way. To me, experience is what really matters in life because if all you've done was to lead that monotonous life, your life would be SERIOUSLY meaningless. Life's like that. It's tiring and energy draining and no doubt mentally straining but live it well and make choices that you want, not what others want you to do, because you should go ahead and do things you do NOT regret. 

Everyone has dreams. Be it realistic or not, you definitely have one inside your head. If there's really none, it's time you get your shit together and learn to try out new things and have a wider view of life. 

I've always been insecure about mine and don't be expectant because mine is so unrealistic i dont even think it will even happen. 

Whatever happens, even if i fail, i will, just like what the quote says, gain experience from what i didnt achieve.

As much as i'm highly insecure to voice out my dreams, i shared a speech with the class recently and i hope i will help the people out there. PLEASE DO NOT EVER GIVE UP ON WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. Although it may be tough, learn from your mistakes (or should i say experience) and make it better. 

*** Here goes:

Good morning Miss Chai and fellow classmates, 

              Today, I will be touching on the topic of Singapore being a better place if things were to change. 

              First off, Singapore would be a better place if every one was given equal rights and opportunities to pursue their dreams and realise their talents. Education has led us to thinking that we should all get good grades, then good jobs like being doctors and lawyers because they are “high-paying” jobs. Then, life would be much easier and better. 

              What people don’t realise is that if everyone were to become doctors and laywers, who is going to do the other jobs like low paying jobs? Singaporeans are so good at complaining about foreign talents and them taking over us but if one day, Singapore were to be taken over by foreign talents, what would you do to salvage it?

              It is true that getting good grades and good jobs would better ease our lives. However, have you thought of those who aren’t equally smart to attain good grades and occupations? What are they going to do? How are they going to survive without high paying jobs? Is their future over? Whatever it is, the bottom few will always exist and they are given much lesser opportunities to do what they want to do compared to those from the top as their grades are not as good. 

              In our education system, we are categorized according to how book smart we are and not how well we are able to survive and adapt to new changes in life. We are constantly comparing our grades to others’ and are also constantly being compared to others by our parents. This does not only make many students in Singapore lose motivation in their lives and studies, many turn to suicide and some are down with depression. 

              Not that Singapore’s education system is not good, but because we have so many subjects to study for and there is so much to be tested on, we are in a way, forced to learn everything, whether we like it or not. We chose our subjects in Secondary 2 because we were interested in them, but turns out that we have to memorise everything so that we can complete all the questions during the very limited timed examinations. 

              Back to where I started, Singaporeans are not given much opportunity to establish and work towards our real goals. We are, instead, made to work towards getting good grades. At this age of ours, many of us are in fact, still unsure of what we really want to do. Honestly, I have always wondered “What do I want to do? What am I living for?”. Up till this moment, questions like these still haunt me. 

              The rigid education system has prevented many people from doing what they really want to do because of their grades. A great example is that quite a number of our classmates here have huge dreams to become pilots. Unfortunately, they are stereotyped because “oh, pilots are supposed to be males, they have to be good in math, they have to take physics as their science subject.” As true as this may be, we should always encourage them because putting people down by telling them they can neither do this or that because of their incapability and especially because they dreams are unrealistic could drive one up one’s wall. 

              Isn’t it contradictive that people support the idea of saying that “nothing is impossible” yet they say that our dreams are unrealistic and these are the paths we can’t choose and take in life?

              Studies have shown that the highest suicide rates come from Singapore. To put a bright light for everyone by using an example, is that a female pilot once took off for the Singapore National Day parade (it was in 2005 or 2006 i can't really remember but my Pri 1/2 form teacher told our class and i have no idea how it got to my head). We should all be given a chance to realise our dreams instead of being told that our dreams are unrealistic and we shouldn’t let our hopes get crushed by those hard words. Don’t ever forget that you choose what you do with your life and you make the decisions. Go for what you want to do and not go for what pleases others. Especially when you are told to do what you're good at and no what you WANT to do, remember that you're the one studying, not them. The future is YOURS and YOU decide it. 

              Since all these talking about our education system wouldn’t change a thing about what we’re going to have to continue doing, we should at least make someone’s day better. Smile, they say your smile is the most beautiful because it’s unique and your smile can brighten up someone’s day although you may be oblivious to it. 

              With that, I end my speech. I know this was a long one, thank you for your time and attention. ***

Well, all the best to you guys who are bent on reaching your destination. It takes endurance and determination. Always remember that you'll never make it if you think you won't. 

Just wanna tell y'all that i was indirectly speaking to one of my classmates, Nicole Francis in my speech above that she shouldn't give up on her hopes of becoming a pilot. Well, that was when we were 16. She's taken up some aerospace engineering course in SP and she told us that she knows it's not possible for her to become a pilot, so she'll become one of those people who will make the planes or something like that. I was truly touched at what Nicole told us and she's such an inspiration :') Press on Nic, i know you can do this ♡

I was talking to another friend of mine and i happened to touch on this topic and i really felt like i should share this to help the rest. BTW, i just wanna share that I'm really really happy to hear that the words i said on the day of my speech lighted up Nicole's ears and she was so impressed at that and she was more than determined. Thank you Nic, really. Oh ya, I tend to speak casually all the time in person and SINGLISH is MY THING. So my classmates were just waiting for me to go like 'aiya NEH mind' and like 'you know HOR'. Guys, it was a speech for ENGLISH class and Ms Chai would just slaughter me alive with a parang if i did that HAHAHAHAHAHAHA 

Thank you guys so much for the journey and i'll be updating soon with a long long post man. I swear i've been wanting to blog for FOREVER but im really DAMN LAZY and i've been too constrained to do anything. I have no idea who actually reads my blog but thank you ♡ I really miss 405 and i miss getting scolded for talking sleeping eating and whatsoever. I just wanna be in that classroom again. I miss everyone. To those who are already struggling in JC, please hold on, it'll all be over soon!!! I love you guys so so much ♡♡♡

F I N A L L Y

Hey guys, it's actually been about 11 months since i last posted lol what a joke. Anyway  throughout the entire 11 months, many things have happened. Of course, i've blogged a few times but they became drafts and i never posted them. I just went back to read some of them and decided im gonna post them later on.

Just to catch up with my last post, i'd like to say that things have gotten better. Some vicious things have probably happened as the days went by this year but things are going well now, except for the fact that some things still remain unchanged. Just to add on, i didn't read everything cause it was such a long post HAHA.

On the brighter side, things are much calmer and i have indeed grown again, physically, mentally and emotionally HAHA i look like a bag of fat ew. Anyway, the entire year consisted mainly of O levels, O levels and O levels. The entire period was such a stressful one although half the time i didn't study and was just fooling around, getting F9s and thinking it's all a joke HAHAHA

So glad that O's are over and i've put my very best into it (except for humanities because ew at humanities) but there were still careless mistakes that i shouldn't have made!! :'((

So after O levels ended, apparently i headed for Genting with my tutor and some of them tuition mates the very next day HAHAHA. Genting was so much fun but honestly the food there really sucks and i didn't get to eat well :( we drank on both nights and kids were really high on alcohol oh god (that included myself btw) HAHAHA we said and did things which were freaking insane and whatever and i'm lazy to post any photos and there are so many to post so if i'm free i would just add a few photos to this post soon.

So i hunted for jobs and slacked for the remaining days of november and finally got myself settled down for a fixed job. Work started on 1 December and it's been good so far hehe.

I'm currently working at Braun Buffel and it's really fun to know that you're aware of the different leather used and different collections containing leather of different softness and texture. Let's not go to that haha but yeah it was kind of boring as my 3 training days were at the Suntec boutique and for the most part all i did was stand and greet customers but yes, i did serve customers and sold a few things. For a newbie, it's actually quite an accomplishment for myself so yay me. Thursday was my off day so i went out with Shi Hui and we bombed again but yes! I got new black flats and i no longer have to be stuck with the court shoes provided and standing on heels for so many hours only hurt my back and the heels of my feet ouch! That costed me about 40bucks lol. $39.95 to be exact HAHAHA and bought new shoes and bag all (what's new from Rachel Wee).

5 December: the first day of working at EXPO (another new experience hehe)

It was really fun and crazy and superrrrrr hecticccccc. Shi Hui and i headed for expo an hour earlier to give out flyers (okay, i've had experience in giving out flyers door to door and it's an easy feat. But it was my other FIRST, yet again, new experience giving out flyers like that in public). I was super scared of getting rejected and all but after a few rejections you're just like used to it already hahahaha. I witnessed guilty faces, people looking at the stack of flyers in my hand and walking while looking in the other direction, walking away from me, some smiling before rejecting, then some kind souls would take and leave, some take and smile and others would even say 'thank you'. I believe everyone of us have been approached and all and we've had all sorts of different reactions. But this entire hour of giving out flyers only let me know that i shouldn't be afraid of all these and just go ahead with whatever i'm doing. Honestly, i wanted to just not approach anyone anymore until there were people who smiled and, really even a smile to those people giving out flyers would let them brace themselves. And hey, i always smile even when i don't take the flyers okay, all you guilty people HAHAHA just kidding, make sure to not just roll your eyes at them and all!! It's really rude and mean :(( everyone's out to earn their bowl of rice.

Then, 9.30am we were at expo, setting up our booths and stuff. At first we decided to just let things be and let the customers dig all the lipsticks and what not since it would all be messed up at the end of the day. But after lunch, it was so chaotic we had to split everything according to their shades although they were already placed in the different series. Because there are so many shades and it was difficult for us to look for them and things got difficult for us too. We spent over an hour splitting everything and it was so tiringgggggg. We talked and played and drew on one another's hands using the testers and laughed at one another and did a lot things (btw, there were a lot other workers and they were mostly our age or a year older so all of us got along quite well hehe). We met this girl called Sherrlyn who was a year older and she's so niceeeeeee!! She reminds me a lot of Isis though HAHAHA. But she's a really nice and fun-loving co-worker hehe. The day was long and tiring and we went from being excited to tired to angry to hungry to tired to lazy and all sorts of crap. Overall the first day had been fun and when it was all over, everyone was so shagged HAHAHAH. Oh, and i survived the entire 13-14 hours outside on 2.5 hours os sleep gdi. So tired (it's 1.38am here omg) and so long readers,

xx

Reminiscence

First post of 2014, and i'd like to start with an elaboration and thoughts on my last post from last year haha. (Just to clarify, i've been working on this post for about a week or more, so that explains why it's dated 4 Jan, i actually posted this on 12 Jan) 

I wanna apologise for all the typos and whatever english errors i made in the previous post, i was drained physically but not mentally and had no time reading through it. I corrected the mistakes and there may be some which i overlooked and if i didnt notice the rest, pardon me, im not strong language wise.

Anyw, let me thank Cheryl for all those pressies from Japan hehe ;) The mao mao is so cute i can't handle, and it's together with the Hello Kitty hehe. And omg the cookie monster socks are damn cute too, i can't bear to use both the products :/

Here's a piece of advice to everyone: Hear no evil, see no evil, do no evil, say no evil.

Before i start, let me warn you again that it's a long post, longer than before and if you dont wanna read all my shit, you're most welcome to close this page.

Think about all the shit that happened, whether it's worth the time thinking about how they feel about you and all. Put the past behind and don't hang onto it, it will only kill you, inside out. Like i always like to say, FUCK THEM, HECK THEM. Ignore them.

All those people bothering you, they are all not worth it. When i was down and really sad and was going through a hard time, someone told me that "You shouldn't worry about that. If that friend of yours really treasures you, she will come back. Since she left, it's not worth fighting for that friendship anymore." Honestly, maybe things really do happen for a reason.

I learnt to pick myself up when i fell, when i was in my lowest moments, when i was left all alone, when i was all fucked up, i learnt who the people who would continue staying by my side are. I learnt who really are my friends. True friends won't hurt you, they are like your second boyfriend (i'm a girl so boyfriend HAHAHA), they learn to accept your shortcomings, they appreciate you, they love you for who you are and what's most special about them is that they are able to withstand your bad temper. My temper is really really bad and yeah, great to have people who still stayed by my side and encouraged me.

[My parents have never been the encouraging type and even if they had ever thought that they have done their part by 'caring' for me, nope i honestly don't feel like i have ever received proper care and concern from them. They have always discouraged me, telling me that my job is to study. But when i do well, they never seem to bother, in fact, they never said anything to me. When i do badly, they scold me for sleeping late, not working hard, not doing well etc. They have so many excuses to scold me for one mistake i make (like ordering food wrongly when they were the ones who told me wrongly). When i make a mistake, they use the past mistakes over and over again, like i don't even know how they link.

My parents are not educated, they take things lightly, thinking they can depend on my results to feed them till they die. But honestly, i dont have any idea what i wanna do, who i wanna be, what i wanna major in, im studying for the sake of it. Since my parents belong more on the traditional side, thinking their logic makes sense but there's no science to it, and they think im "trying to be dumb" when i dont listen to them and explain the right things. Oh well, i guess i should just let them say whatever they want, because whatever i say, i will always be wrong and whenever i speak, i get scolded, whenever i speak up for myself to defend myself, they say im being rude. 

They think that i am able to cope with things, to get things done and all. But what really happens is that i have no one to lean on at home, in school, anywhere. I am still trying to survive in this screwed up world, where i officially have no one else to depend on, to talk to. Although to many others it may seem like my parents care and all, i constantly feel otherwise. When i was 13, they forgot my 13th birthday, for a girl as young as 13, would you be able to accept that fact?? So i decided that maybe my parents were really busy and i shouldn't get angry since im not important after all.

Like i said, i've never been able to defend for myself properly at home and i have no one to lean on, yeah, so i hardly confide in my parents. But when i do, i confide in my close friends. And that's when the shit comes in, because i lack family support, i trust others easily, too easily that i trust people that i shouldn't and get laughed at at my back instead.

Sometimes, i feel like a total tool, a tool that helps my parents gain their pride back. Because my brother is not as good in his studies, my parents 'use' me to tell others that 'oh my daughter has how nany As how many As', 'oh my daughter ranks whatever rank in class', 'oh my daughter got into some competition or whatever', and they 'use' me to compete with others. And those are the only times when i actually hear good stuff about myself. So this question always come to my mind: So im just an instrument for them to show off?? So im not anything else or anything important? They compare with others, stressing to my relatives that 'hey my daughter takes amath, she's the only one in the family taking it, so dont compare with her'..... like wtf?? They keep putting pressure on me without even realising that. Because of what they always say, i have to live up to their expectations, they think that studying these days are easy as fuck, but no it isnt, not at all. And my brother, he doesnt seem to be affected by anything.

Im always supposed to 'watch my language' because i use words like 'shit', 'what the hell' and so on. But wtf? In this era, who doesnt?? But when my BROTHER says them all, nope, nothing is said. Or they will even go 'look, your brother has learnt all this language from you' but they dont seem to realise the fact that they are the ones swearing 25/8 and they affected both of us. They think i learn all that in school, from my friends, but what they dont realise is that i say all that, because i 'learnt' from them. They blame everything on me, literally. ] 

But what am i supposed to do? This is my life, so suck it up. Think about your life, it may be better, it may be good. If your life is better, learn to appreciate things, appreciate everything you have and especially those around you. If your is worse, i have to say, try to overcome the odds, i know it's not easy, it definitely wont be. Life isn't easy, if it's easy, there's nothing to learn from it. And endure the pain, pick yourself up, good luck and stay strong.

If you were thinking that i've never tried, it's not that i haven't, i have tried, over and over again to learnt i be a good sister, to try to be nice, to ignore the jealousy, to love my brother like how any other older sibling would. But i was always given a reason not to. And that is: he never appreciates, he takes things for granted and shouts at me the next moment after i get food for him. It's not a once or twice thing that i buy him food, at least half of year annually i would be the one getting food for everyone. And when i cook, he doesnt even show gratitude. Im still trying to be a good sister, until the time he starts to mature (he's 13+ now and still not able to think maturely), i guess i'll have to tolerate and continue to give in. 

Everything aside, i will still try to continue being a good sister. I believe that one day, just one day, the brother at home will grow up and become much more mature and that life would be much easier then. 

Although it might seem like i just wrote the worst part of my life, that's not the worst, i wrote that because i get reminded of it everyday and i felt like i should just rant to vent a little frustration. The worse things, i cant remember them and im in the process of trying not to recollect anything. Because at the time being, im looking at what's ahead of me, not what's behind.

Nothing in life is ever easy. But dont give up, giving up will mean that you have failed. failing would mean that you have just lost everything you started with. Think about it, give everything deep thoughts. Learn to laugh, laugh all day long. Laughing will not cure things, but it hides your sadness and all other emotions and people will not have to worry over you. Laughing will give others an impression that you're bubbly, cheerful, etc. I have been choosing that option, but my mood changes fast, so does my expressions. I can be laughing away 5 seconds ago but angry as hell now. But as long as i know im in the right state of mind and am controlling myself, i guess that's okay, although it seems like others think im crazy, but i dont really care, this society is so damn judgemental i dont even have a second to waste my time bothering about those people. They make no difference in my life and i shouldnt get affected.

So in my previous post (also my last post of 2013 hahaha), i stated that i would blog on 'loving yourself'. So there may be some of you who are thinking that 'woah she's so egoistic, i dont even dare to bring myself to love myself', 'why is everyone saying this, it doesn't even work for me', 'why does this blogger have so much self-esteem or self-confidence??'. Let me share some views. 

Obviously, 'loving yourself' is not easy, and it's not too difficult as well. Okay, here i go. At some point in life, you will be facing a lot negativity, you will reach the lowest point in life where you are at a loss and there is COMPLETELY no one by your side to help you and go through those times with you. It may be because you failed something you were always good at, you got rejected, you constantly get bullied by others, and so on. 

What i'd like to share is that i too, have been through times like that, yes i'm young but that doesn't mean teenagers don't feel shit. I believe that experience is very important in life, they change our perception of things and hence make us who we are. Yes i might not have as much experience in life as adults, or the elderly. But bear with me and hear me out. There were times when i felt like my parents are probably treating me like that or whatever because i haven't been a good daughter. There were times when i felt like i am the worst person on earth and doesn't deserve anything at all. There were times when i thought my CCA (it's like activities you take part in when school ends, things like sports, performing arts, uniform groups etc, and it's compulsory in schools in Singapore) mates probably dislike me and all because i don't make a good Chairperson (not that i'm boasting about it but these are heartfelt words). Worst of all, there were times and there still are times when i feel like i'm the worst friend to have on Earth, that i'm never able to help my friends and go through their toughest time with them and be strong for them. I'm sure there are times all of you out there feel like that, it may not have to be all that i stated but you have felt at least like that in one of the above scenarios. I built a wall, a solid one, so hard that nowadays i break other people's heart and hurt them instead of letting them do so, even when people have done nothing wrong, i do the same, because i'm afraid, afraid that i would get hurt and go through all that painful process all over again.

Why am i telling you all these? It's because to go through all these is part of life. Don't ever distance yourself from others because of your low self-esteem, the self-esteem which never seemed to surface. Whether you like it or not, it's a part of life and how you decide to go through or 'conquer' these makes you who you are next. Be strong enough to go through these times, whether you are alone or with your loved ones. Don't give up and let your whole world come crashing down on you. Yes, it's definitely not easy, i have never said it was. I went through all that, when i was alone, when i was thrown to a corner by everyone, when everyone turned their backs on me. And i'm only glad that i've gone through that and become stronger because all of that was what made me who i am today. 

Whatever it is, keep going on and no matter how hard life is for you, know that one day it will all be over. 

There was a period of time, a long one, when i was so negative about life, the only solution i always thought of was death. Many of us think that dying will solve all the problems and that everything will really be over. But let me tell you, it will not be over, everything will just get worse when you die. I can't assure that in any form of explanation but, death is not a solution to everything (yes, i know that everyone says that). 

Seeking death only makes your life much more difficult to handle and makes you yourself much more miserable. Personally, the number of thoughts to end my life was uncountable and i was never able to control my feelings and emotions well on the inside. 

I'm still trying to fight with all these negativity and honestly, that's not an easy task as those thoughts led me to being a sadist (im not much one but sick enough to be one, a minor one maybe?) and i always think that we can die easily. I've always thought that one jump and everything would be over, but i realised the fact that to do that, i have to be courageous, to have enough courage to just leave everything behind without saying anything to anyone. Nope, i'm unable to do that. Because of all these countless sucidal thoughts, i developed slight depression, tearing without any reason and all. And that's not all, there's more to it than you could ever think of.

Now, many of you think that you are down with 'depression'. Please do look up the dictionary for its definition. Symptoms of depression, according to some of my research, include things like crying without any legit reason, feeling super super super sad all of a sudden, having many sucidal thoughts. Some of you out there are hurting yourself, trying to commit suicide, and please, DON'T HURT THE BEAUTIFUL BODY THAT GOD GAVE YOU. God gave you a body, not for you to abuse/mistreat, but for you to embrace and take good care of. Hurting yourself is a sin, and there are always punishments for sins, so stop it. Also, there are some of you who like to go around saying 'i'm so sad, so fucking depressed. Fuck the world, fuck everyone' H E L L O?? Will you please wake up and stop being childish and acting like you're all pampered? Yes i may sound biased, but seriously? You are definitely NOT depressed if you're sad. Being SAD and DEPRESSED are two different things. 

Also, MANY of us think that we are 'fat'. Yes, i'm included. I know that all of you reading this, everyone of you out there are well aware that we are in fact, healthy, fit, or even underweight. But what is it that causes us to say things like that and hurt those that are really 'fat'? Well, there are some of you who are really really THIN and you go like 'omg im so fat', you really look like skin and bones, please stop that. And then there's majority of us who are average but because of those excess and accumulated fats that we don't wanna associate with, we call ourselves 'fat'. Everyone has their own definition of being 'fat'. If things get worse, you are bound to suffer from eating disorder because you think you are 'fat'. I must admit i am average but really, those fats can't keep me thinking that i am, if i had a more proportionate body, yes, maybe i would be proud of my body and go out saying, 'i'm average'. But no, not now, yes i know many people have been telling me 'you look okay, you're okay', yes i know, but if only i had a better body. CNY is coming and i'm reay scared to go visit my relatives sigh. But i'm working on it and hopefully all of you will stay motivated and work out for better bodies too. 

Two weeks ago, my form and co-form teachers (a.k.a homeroom teachers) decided that we should write down our new year resolutions for short term (this entire year) and long term (the next three years) and also our target for 'O' level results, what we wanna do in future, what we wanna study, which institute or school we wanna go to.

I was about to write what i wrote on that piece of paper but i got lazy haha. As usual. Okay with Team B's mental strength they sent to their fans, i end this post.

School's been really hectic. And tomorrow's the start of the 3rd week, technically it's the 2nd. Anyw, ever since school lessons started, i haven't been able to understand, not to say absorb whatever was taught, it's like my doomsday is nearing. And there has been a change of instructors in my CCA and their expectations are sky high. I'm really stressed up at the moment and finally found time to blog (i accumulated everything that i wanted to say over the course of 1-2 weeks). My instructor gave us homework(??) And idk?? Not that i'm complaining, it's definitely good, but i honestly feel like a heavy weight has just been thrown on me. I left a bad impression on all the instructors and definitely mine. It's only the first 2 weeks and school and the third week is starting tmr, and i already feel like i've been thrown in a hell hole.

I've been attacked by pimple breakouts (SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME ADVICE) and omfg im really scared. Adults always say that people with freckles wont get pimples. BUT WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME. And from what i see, contrary to that belief, some people i know, people around me actually do have a fair amount of freckles and pimples, my close friend, a few of my classmates, my aunt and a few more.

Last friday, SIMYEE CAME BACK TO KC FOR A VISIT HEHE. But it was all so sudden we didnt have the time to take photos :( 

I'm going to share a photo of a bowl of 'Red Ruby' my family (each of us) had at Serangoon Gardens' market. It looked really good but it was so bland i stopped after a few mouthfuls. But the picture was great so im gonna share it anyw. I'm blogging through my phone so all the photos are at the bottom and i'll adjust them when i use my laptop some other day.

Yes i'm aware it's a really long post. This is like the first time im writing a post this way, i dont even know.

Love,
Rachel

2013 ♡♥

This month's been a busy one, so much catching up to do and i had to rush through a lot work during the past 1-2 weeks. I still have some work left on hand and yeah, though 2014 is approaching in approximately 2 hours, I'm gonna have to spend the remaining hours and the first few hours of 2014 finishing up my work. Tomorrow is my baby cousin's 1st birthday, hehehe HAPPY BIRTHDAY JIA XIN!!! She has the same Mandarin name as me XD in the exact same Mandarin characters as well haha! Okay, gonna 'nag' and update on what I've been up to recently. 

Dinner @ Fish 7 Co. 

I went to Downtown East's Fish & Co. outlet a few nights before Christmas with my family for dinner hehe. Haven't had it for superrrrrrrrr long time and that was really refreshing! 

If I didn't catch the waitress wrongly, this is their fish chowder soup!! Really good!!! Did i mention i'm a souperholic? 

My parents shared this combo. If i remembered correctly, it's called the Seafood Combo 2. 

This was my portion, the New York Fish and Chips. The portion was really big i was so full after that.

Salted egg yolk is stuffed inside, and yeah i love it hehe.

TangYuan day!! 元宵节 ♡

I have no idea why photo is upside down but hehe i love glutinous rice balls. 

Caught up with my long lost friends and primary school tutor, that taught me for my entire primary school life. 

 

MERRY CHRISTMASSSSSSSS!!

Belated Merry Christmas guys, I know it's about a week late, but better now than never. 

Had dinner at Ajisen's. This was my share of Scallop Ramen.

It went with this gyoza side dish and a cup of iced lemon tea.

This was for dessert. Hehe green tea pancakes(??) with MY FAVOURITE HOKKAIDO MILK PUDDING. I LOVEEEEE IT.

28 Decemeber 2013: 305's class partehhhhhh 

30 december 2013:

Finally took a photo with this retard. He's finally FINALLY as tall as me hahahahah, we'll take another a year from now to compare the height difference again ;) 

Cut my hair today after like 235498201942543 years, 3.5 inches gone and somehow it still feels the sameeeeee.  

Created a video on Instagram: http://instagram.com/p/ilkyO2zXb7/, that was to thank everyone that has been with me but not enough to sum up everything. 

It's finally the time to blog on resolutions and everything that happened the entire year. I have about 1 hour left. damn. 

So, the starting of this year was really hectic and rocky. This year was definitely not a good one and was one of the worst I've had. Nevertheless, there's always things for me to learn from and when i grow up and look back, i know i will not regret the choices i'm about to make and those that i've made. Along the way, I'll be expressing a lot thoughts and words of advice. I'm warning that it's gonna be a long  longgggggggg post. You don't have to continue reading if you don't want to. Words for Cheryl:  Hey Cheryl, although i read your blog thoroughly, i definitely am writing mine originally and if words are repeated, i can say i didnt copy cause i dont remember what's written but i do remember what i SHOULD be doing hehe. 

Like I said, the start of the year was a rocky one. I'll be telling what happened not in detail but what happened, i don't care whether those who were involved are reading this, because everything's gonna be over in less than an hour. 

Yep, within the first month of school, I lost one of the most precious friendships i ever had, I'm not afraid to say this, but it was really one of the best, besides the one with some others (you guys know who you are and i'm not stating them so that i won't hurt anyone in the process). Back to what i started with, yeah, i treasured the friendship a lot and i never ever EVER thought i would lose it, and it all came down to be because of me, because of jealousy. 

Many of us tend to be jealous of our own best friends when we see others hanging around them and we don't want to lose our friends. But honestly, if your friendships are really really strong, nothing can break it, not even when a huge rock falls off the cliff and tries to break the walls of your friendship. Of course, there would be abrasions and some cracks, but it will definitely remain strong. 

That friend that i lost, she is one of the bestest friends one can ever ask for. She was always by my side, always there for me, she bombed so much money on my birthday, she did many many things for me and even 'risked' getting 'scolded' by me when i slept in class to wake me up. I loved her, obviously as a friend. I can't say i regret losing her because she's not who she is anymore. I turned her into someone who lost her innocence someone who broke into so many pieces she built such a strong wall around herself to protect herself. Although saying sorry is not enough, there is nothing more i can do. That 'anniversary' since our friendship died is coming in 2 weeks and all i can hope for is that she and her friends are able to have long-lasting friendships and that their studies will run smoothly next year and do well for O's. 

After that major incident, might not be major to others, but i definitely had a hard time getting over everything. The entire year had been a trauma, seeing her in school, outside, coincidences everywhere, i do get nervous and scared. At times i don't even know what i was thinking. Less than 3 months later, crucial things were coming in and i faced cases of other stuff betrayal and things got worse i didn't know how to handle them. I gotta thank the person who have always been by my side, supporting me and no you DID NOT fail to protect me, you did your best. Like i told you earlier on, i wouldn't have been able to survive well and cope with everything. Thank you for your ears, your heart, your love. 

Okay, i really wanna get over those shit now, i'm getting emotional here so yup. And it was not long ago before i found out that i actually trusted a person i should NEVER have. She tarnished many people's names including mine and she hurt me so many times, telling me things like what people did/said to me or whatever but ya. She used many innocent people's names and they had no idea what even happen. 

Okay, whatever it is, I'm gonna have to let the past go, for it will only haunt me and not do me any good at all. 

Firstly, never fall into the traps of jealousy, for jealousy kills, just like how curiosity kills the cat. Never ever, i repeat, never ever get jealous over small matters. They turn you into who you would never think you would be and can hurt the people around you. Watch your emotions and learn to control your actions and words. Patience is a virtue. 

Secondly, don't trust others easily and although people always say they "believe what they see", sometimes what you see isn't enough. Take your time, take a step at a time, listen to all points of views and come to a conclusion. Sometimes, it's also, as cliche as it is, "better to have a best friend who shares everything, tears and joy, with you than to have many friends who you can't lean on at all." 

Thirdly, what people always say, "forgive and forget". Yeah I'd like to emphasize that line too, but in a different approach. Although forgiving may be hard, but it's always best to do so. I have managed to forgive everything that has happened since the year is ending REALLY SOON and after forgiving someone, trust me, you'll feel so much better and the rock that has been holding onto you will be lifted. NOW, is the forgetting part. Forgiving is definitely better than forgetting. I know forgetting is REALLY REALLY tough, I'm not boasting, but i can remember things that happened when i was as young as 4, maybe because many things leave so much impacts on me, or just because i have good memory. Anyway, when people say forget, they mean for you to put the past behind you and move on with life, because life is short. Yes, "life is too short for everything, cherish every single thing you have." When i was younger, an adult once told me "forgive and forget, everything will be over soon" and i told myself, i will never do that. Now that I've come to my senses and realise what this means in the adult world, yeah, forgive everything and put everything behind you. 

Let me share a few quotes: 

"Everything happens for a reason."

"Never regret anything you do, if you will don't" 

"The future is like a letter, waiting to be opened."

"Do you want to know why i use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can't savour all the... little emotions. In... you see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are." -The Joker (Heath Ledger) from the Dark Knight. Think about this quote and decide what you wanna do from now on. 

THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO'S BEEN BY MY SIDE. LOVE YOU ALL. HAPPY NEW YEAR AND HAVE A REALLY REALLY GREAT YEAR AHEAD. I YEARN TO SHARE GREAT MOMENTS WITH GREAT PEOPLE HEHE. GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE HAVING THEIR MAJOR EXAMS (INCLUDING MYSELF HAHAH) AND EXAMS. DO EXTREMELY WELL AND DO YOURSELVES AND EVERYONE PROUD. LOVE YOURSELF (gonna blog on that soon) AND CHERISH EVERYTHING!!! 

 By the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TRENNA ONG. (I'm not late hehe) 

I'm super sorry for the dull post, I'm too lazy to add colours and thr's not much time left!!  

Catching up

Now playing - I heard it through the grapevine by Alex and Sierra OMG THEIR VOICES ARE SO PERFECT IM SPEECHLESS WITH EVERY PERFORAMCE OF THEIRS, their covers for Gravity and Say my name etc are very good too!! I seriously urge people to listen to them, they are so good.

So i finally decided to blog after about 11 days?? Was so busy catching up with all my dramas and lazy to even do my work and all. Since i spent about 2 hours completing the previous post and it was really late, i got lazy too hahahaha. Yup, I'm a lazy ass. Okay, just gonna sum up whatever i did recently.

Anyway, i watched 'I hear your voice', watched a few episodes of Running man and rewatched them with my cousin, yep we watched twice of an episode, and i watched 'The Heirs'. I hear your voice is really really good and the first episode made me so damn anxious i got hooked up to it and totally love it. i rate it 9.7/10. The Heirs was really good too, but the ending was disappointing, really expected a lot more and yeah it's still good. i rate it 9/10. Currently watching 'Bel Ami', otherwise known as 'Pretty Man', Jang Geun Suk is so hot hehe, not forgetting Lee Jong Suk from i hear your voice and ALL the young males in Heirs hehe. Bel Ami now has 8 episodes and the 9th episode is gonna air this Thurs!! Cant wait. I'm also watching 'Prime Minister and I', the female lead is YooNa from Girls' Generation, I'm not a fan of theirs but she's really good in acting, this drama now has 2 episodes and the 3rd is gonna be up on tues/wed (?) i'm not quite sure, but this drama is really thrilling, how she met the Prime Minister and how her journalist life goes, etc. 

so yup, when December started, i dyed my hair, hahahah it was kinda a success?? Cause i dyed it with my friend and since it's those cheap dye, our hair colours can only be seen during exposure to sunlight, and cant see shit indoors. 

this was exposed to a little sunlight at the balcony, it was intense violet-red by Loreal and since my hair is black, i can say it turned out quite well, except for the fact that we cant see it indoors :( 

so i was quite satisfied, until no one noticed it, cause i am always indoors! sigh

Forgot when but i went for wholesales with Cheryl again and although i didnt buy much, i really spent a lot, damn, spent like 200++?? just this 3 to 4 weeks. and yeah i decided to let those clothes i bought at the wholesale be my clothes for Chinese New Year and since I'm gonna be quite busy when school reopens. This year's theme for CNY would be : FLORAL. i bought a new pair of high cuts online and it's in floral designs as well. Honestly i didnt plan it, it was all a coincidence, i totally forgot that i bought that pair of shoes until it arrived and i received the news. I bought 1 new pair of flats too hehe it's maroon (yay) and new heels are maroon as well hahahah. All in all, i have 3 pairs of shoes for CNY EHEHE IM SO EXCITED. ANG PAO ANG PAO!! Which kid doesnt love Ang Baos?? 

So this maroon jacket/sweater was among the clothes i bought at wholesale and its material is really good!! Got it at a really low price and it's kinda like wool inside? Keeps me really warm and yeah i love it so much. It's so big and yeah i love big jackets, they give me a great sense of security. As you can see my hair colour really cant be seen sigh

Yep, that's my OOTD for today, was really happy when my hair colour could be seen HAHAHAH 

We watched 'Everybody's business' and honestly, it wasn't as good as expected, but seriously, Aloysious Pang was so hot i kept spazzing. That was my dinner, prawn paste fried rice, it's a really big plate, i was so full, it's like bigger than a plate of spaghetti at Pastamania. 

While we waited for Trenna 

Damn, i think i look super old..... gotta maintain my face argh, anyways, this is Kaylee 

Hehe that's my cousin, Trenna 

These were the nicest pictures we took for the day 

This post seems to have more pictures than words hahahah good, then i wont bore people out again. So back to talking about school work, sigh, i only managed to complete Geog, Emath and Chem. finished up Geog and Emath in 2-3 questions cause i left them out MORE THAN A MONTH AGO and finisthed Chem in two days althought they could be done in 2 hours. Then there's English, Chinese, Amath, Physics, SS and Lit. I'm left with a week to finish everything hahahahah but time to catch up with some beauty sleep now i'm so tired and need get energised to start my work tomorrow, hope i won't procrastinate any longer, been procrastinating for more than a week and i have done nothing productive. Damn, i havent started revising, yep although it seems otherwise, I'm really really scared that i cant finish everything on time and  that O's are next year, I'm not ready for the batte......

8 days KunMing trip

Okay... Sorry dear readers that it took me more than a month to update on everything.... i've been quite lazy and busy on last minute unimportant things. It's been months since i typed on my laptop keyboard and boy, i'm super upset at the rate i'm typing, it's so goddamn slow to me.... On the bright side, i've always been a fast typer so hehehe

Okay apologies aside, this is gonna be a super long post. Apparently i had typed everything out detailedly from day 1 to day 3 cause the bus rides in China were really long, taking at least an hour for reach ride, so i had plenty of time to type, these 3 days took me half an hour, i did try to continue but i got lazy and i really wanted to spend my time sleeping. Many things have happened in the past month (obviously), so i'll be splitting the posts up and there may be 2,3 or 4?? I'm not so sure myself. 

Don't worry many pictures are awaiting ahead and i hope this super long post won't force one to enter one's sweet dreams! 

2NE1's MISSING YOU IS PLAYING ON MY PHONE NOW! The song is so good omfg their vocals!!

                                                            Okay so this was before we boarded the plane for Kunming, AHLIAN

Day 1: So...... we had a 4-hour plane ride that was awkward as hell especially when the people who sat around us weren't close to us.... or let's just say that we don't even know one another. The plane ride was rather long, with the air stewardesses serving us food time and again and all we actually did was sleep and eat, which was rather boring.
We had dinner at some isolated area and it was really cold there. The food served were really salty and oily and we didn't finish 90% of the 10-course meal. Yup, it was rather bad and we wasted a large amount of food. We headed to the hotel and it was really dark and cold outside. There were security guards waiting for us outside the hotel. Upon reaching, they lugged our luggages in to the lobby and i was kinda shocked. Lights out was at around 12?? And i ended up turning in at almost 1.

This was the night of Day 1 and we bunked in Joanne and Francis' room cause all 4 of us freaked out and shit happened in Haziqah and my room, it was filled with so much insanity and superstition i almost went crazy. 

Day 2: morning call was at 6.30a.m. and we were really tired. It was our first day at the local school and i was really excited. We left for the lobby after having breakfast and it was still quite early, so we decided to ask the receptionist whether we could have the password for the Wi-Fi and then headed for the school. We were so excited when we realised that we could use the wifi and were really making good use of it. We walked for around 50mins-1hour to reach the local school and were already panting the hell out of ourselves. I saw the children there and they were really excited to see us and you could see that their clothes were worn out and really dirty. Some of us really needed to pee and we headed for the toilet. What shocked us was that you could smell the strong stench about 3 metres away from the toilet itself. We had no choice but to use medicated oil to cover the smell of the toilet. However, you could still smell the stench when you are in the toilet and it's really really strong. There was no door, no flushing system, no nothing. It was just a canal in each 'half-cubicle' and a lot crap were in there. We mouthed '1,2,3' before squatting down to pee. It was really smelly and i couldn't take it. We met and interacted with the kids there but it was all weird and awkward as we had to speak in Mandarin suddenly and just play games. There wasn't much of a language barrier but it was really understanding their accents on the first day. We chased them and played with them to the extent that we actually perspired. Yup, i perspired in my thermal and it was really crazy. We didn't really teach the children much except playing games and coming up with impromtu games when we didn't know how to explain and play. Many of us got letters and no i received none at all, i was really sad. Nonetheless, i had to keep my spirits up and be energetic for the next two days to make a really impactful impactful in their lives. The day ended and the food (lunch cooked by the school teachers and dinner by hotel) was a lot better compared to day 1. The teachers brought us to Walmart, opposite the hotel and we were so excited, going to a mart at night in the cooling weather, and obviously it meant extra snacks for us! Yup, overnight and all. I'm lazy to elaborate.

This was day 2 morning, the air was so cooling hehe i was so excited after receiving wifi i took this photo 

The path that led us to the children's school, filled with so much memories

First trip down to Walmart! 

Day 3: same thing in the morning and we rushed down to the lobby right after having breakfast  i was really excited to be able to use wifi there. Like, who isn't?? Even the teachers were desperate for them. 

We headed for the school and started greeting all the kids there and tried to get closer to them and played more games. In the morning, we had to teach the children more about hygiene and our group was in charge of teaching the children how to wash their hands, the 8 steps and all, but we broke them down to 4 steps for the kids to understand. It was rather easy, they learnt really fast and mastered the steps by the end of the lessons (probably because we rewarded them with stickers). After the lessons they were really washing their hands at the basins near their classroom and outside the toilet. Apparently, there's only 2 basins in the school. We had lunch and went back to teach the children simple English words. There were 5 groups of us and 3 groups went to pluck persimmons and 2 groups of us were left to teach 4 classes of the children and we had to split into pairs. It wasn't easy as 2 of our group were Malays and we had to partner and non-mandarin speaker each and it was difficult to communicate with the children when we didn't know some of the Mandarin words. The teachers prepared us to go pluck persimmons next, near the school. We climbed a hill and it was very steep, i almost fell a couple of times and was really making a lot noise at the back cause i was really scared. There was a muddy area and NO, i didn't want to dirty my shoes. It was really cool. We had to use this really long stick, about 3 metres in length and use the split in the front of the stick to poke one the branches and then twist it, it was really fun when we had the strength to do it and bring it down. The feeling was really good. I guess the day ended similarly as the day before, walking back down to the coach and back to hotel for dinner. There was an impromtu decision and the teachers decided that some of us (i wasn't one of them) visit Walmart again to get necessities for the school. They spent a long time getting the things needed and even paid for the extra, how sincere of them! Things included were detergent for the toilet, mops, long brushes, soaps, hand sanitizers, toothbrushes and many more. Then again, back to sleep.

Day 4: (okay i was lazy to re-read the day 1 -3 entry so if i repeated.... i'm sorry!) 

So that was the last day of going to the school, that meant no more long bus rides, no more walking up the hill, no more panting our asses away, no more long talks along away, no more playing with the kids, no more seeing them. I'm gonna sum everything up for the last day cause many things happened and i'm gonna write about the impactful moments, which i have at least 3 on hand. Firstly, if i did mention before, i received only 1 letter from the previous 2 days and on the last day i received about 15?? i forgot the number but it was really happy! partly because i received the most letters on that day (from what i saw, idek but yay) but mostly it was due to the content. Wei Shan and I wrote our names on the blackboard (YES THEY USE BLACKBOARD AND CHALK OMFG SO COOL I KEPT WRITING IT WAS SO COOL YOU DONT EVEN GET TO DO THAT IN SINGAORE), and i didn't want the kids to forget me so i went to each of them and basically asked "WHAT'S MY NAME???" and they replied "JIA XIN JIE JIE" omfg so cuteeeeeee!!! and yeah they have an accent and it was totally hard to understand them at first but as time went by we got to understand their accents and i felt cool (hahaha just kidding). For example when we say someone's name as "xiao li" they pronounce it as "xiao lei" hahahah. and yeah, all the kids remembered my name even hours after the last lesson. I was sooooo touched, they remembered my name, i'm not sure about now but at least they did, for that few hours and what's embarrassing is that i know none of theirs. I know this is random but i'm getting hyped up cause i'm typing faster and faster hahah. Back to the contents in the letters, most of them folded hearts and wrote stuff inside like "i love you jia xin jie jie" and my heart melted, awwww i did make an impact on the kids, i did it, i made a difference in the children's lives..... i was so touched. As we were preparing to leave, the children actually lined in in 2 straight lines (we were totally oblivious to the situation cause we were all looking in the opposite direction and were busy clearing our things up and so on. Shit happened when we actually turn our heads to their direction, we were all speechless and actually thought all the kids went home cause the last thing we saw was them running out of the school. We were so touched, i dont even know what hit my heart, all i knew was i wasn't the only one, but all of us were crying our hearts out, it was such an overwhelming situation that i didn't know what to say. If you can see, i took the most photos on the last day...... 

the kids when they were queuing up for lunch 

all the kids were my favourites there, so this was the group of children i was closest to ??

all of them are the oldest in the school and they were the children i worked with mostly and i was obviously attached to the entire class. This group of boys was the most mischievous, they were a great bunch though, heheheh hugged all of them and had a group hug before this photo. It was cute how they were shy to say "i love you" awwww

LOOK WHAT JOANNE BEATRICE LEE TAUGHT THE KIDS HAHAHAH it's okay, #YOLO #SWAG 

both of them are really cute, the one in red is Wen Jian, he's 7 and my cutie pie, i sound like a pedophile now hahahah but he's really cute omg love him so much he's so innocent. 

3rd trip down to Walmart, kinda begged the teachers for that, only like 5 of us went?? can't remember, but it was one of the best moments, Jorine, Sam Lim and I were like in our own world, throwing everything into the our tote bags that we didnt have enough bags to hold our items Mrs Tan had to donate her plastic bag to us and it still wasn't enough HAHAHAAHA so much food and i even bought a few items for Sam but i spent less than 20SGD!!! the kisses were like $2+, it's like $4.95 in SG wtf. Oh and i kinda introduced everyone that cup noodle looking thing, it's actually powdered milk tea with nata de coco, you just need to add hot water in, it's a must have when you're in China!! i only drink from this brand cause it's the best!

mountain climbing, we stripped our thermal half-way up, THE KC WAY HAHAHAHA i was perspiring so much i don't even know

what happens when your friends get hyped up, the two of them are so cute hahaha

CAVE WOOOOOOOOOOO

MINIONS YAY

The bus buddies, we sat like that for 8 days, no joke. Everyone took so many photos of everyone sleeping, sigh
(left to right: Wei Shan, Me, Sam, Jorine) OH LOOK AFIFAH PHOTOBOMBED

woo must show off my photography skills

at the airport in China before boarding, Chiara hugged me so tight i couldn't breathe and my hands were shaking so bad, i almost fell HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH 

FIRST PHOTO WHEN WE LANDED BITCHES

HEY HEY JUMPSHOT YO

candid by Wei Shan, i look mutated though

WOAH I SPENT ALMOST 2 HOURS WRITING ON THIS POST GAHHHHH yay i'm done with this